“Take care of you.”

I’m not a prostitute.

I’m a wife.

I’m the mother of four young children.

I’m the caregiver of my mother who has Alzheimer’s.

I’m stressed out.

I’m overweight.

I’m tired.

I hear the words over and over in my head. “Take care of you.” “Take care of you.” “Take care of you.”

I hear it at my support group. I read it on some of my favorite blogs and magazines. I see it on TV.

Easier said than done! But I’m learning.

I’ve joined a support group. This is THE single best decision I’ve made along the way. It is a source of information, resources and emotional support. I’ve never missed a meeting!

I’m learning to say, “No.” That’s a tough one for me. I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life. I like to help people. I also like to feel needed. So, when someone asks me to do something, my knee-jerk reaction is to say, “Sure, I’d love to!” In the last year, I’ve scaled back my volunteering. I now focus my efforts on only those things that really bring me true enjoyment. If the activity causes me stress, I don’t do it.

I also cancelled a family reunion I was to host this summer. That was hard for me to do. I love my family and don’t get to see them often. If I put it off, will my mom still be here? Will she still know them? I’ve wanted to cancel it for awhile. But, I kept telling myself not to make the decsion on a day when I was stressed out…but to make it on a day when I’m not. Then it hit me: I’m almost always stressed out!

I’m asking for help. Another tough one. I think  I’m generally thought of as self-reliant and strong. It’s difficult to admit that I can’t do it all.

I write about my feelings. This blog is a great source of therapy for me. If I am able to help anyone along the way, so much the better. I don’t publish everything I write. Some of it is too emotional. Maybe one day I’ll share those writings, but not yet.

What I don’t do is eat right or exercise. The eating thing is really tough. I’m an emotional eater. If I don’t get this under control, I’ll weigh 600 pounds before this caregiving journey is over. Exercise is tough, too. It’s hard to find time for it. But I must! I’m not getting any younger and it’s not going to get any easier!

What do you do to maintain your sanity as a caregiver…whether you’re caring for your kids or an aging loved one–or both, like I am? I’d love to hear from you!

Take care of you!

I thought I had someone I could rely on. Someone who could care for them as well, if not better, than I. I’ve trusted this person with my children for more than 11 years. Eleven years. Without incident.

Recently, though, I’ve begun to wonder if this individual is really the type of caregiver I want for my children. While I don’t have a nanny cam, I do have some photographic and video footage to present to you as evidence.

Take a look and then tell me: Would you leave your children with this person?

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Exhibit D

Exhibit E

Exhibit F (He's a french hobo?!)

And finally, Exhibit G.

Now, tell me, should I leave them with their Daddy anymore?

Never one to be outdone, I have now become the worst. mother. ever., thereby beating Pauline.

You see tonight was, well, chaotic. Michael ran out and picked up Subway and Marco’s for dinner (we can never all agree on one restaurant, it seems). As is our norm on nights like these, we let the kids set their little lap desks up in front of the TV and serve them their dinner in the living room.

He came home, we rushed around the kitchen plating up the subs, pouring drinks and delivering everything to them. Then we sat down in the adjacent dining room to eat our meals. Normally, we would have sat on the sofa to eat, but it was too piled up with folded laundry, so we sat in the other room.

Part way through my meal, Leah, who doesn’t like Subway very much, asked for a second helping of Wheaties Fuel, a new cereal that she apparently liked enough to ask for seconds, which says a lot about this cereal that contains 5 grams of dietary fiber per serving. But I digress.

So, I refilled her bowl. Two trips into the living room. First with the cereal, then with the milk.

Back to my dinner.

A bit later, Leah asked for a third bowl of the cereal. Third trip to living room for cereal refill. While I was there, Noah asked me to bring him the rest of his sub when I came back with the milk. Sure thing!

Fourth trip to living room…milk. check. Noah’s sub. check.

Then I saw Sarah. Dear little 2 year old Sarah. Sitting at her little desk right between Leah and Zachary. Her little empty desk. I FORGOT TO FIX HER ANY DINNER!

worst. mother. EVER.

Well, I’ve been wrong before.

She is the most independent of all my children. I think her mantra, if she knew what that was, would be, “No child left behind!” If the older kids are doing it, so is she!

Many many posts could be written about her adventures and hijinks. I’ll save those stories for another day. Today is Friday, so it’s time for Friday Funnies.

One of the areas that Sarah shows her independence is in diaper changing. When she wants it changed, sometimes she comes and tells me, but she often just takes off her pants, then her diaper, gets a wipe and brings me a clean diaper. (Yes, I think she’s ready to be potty trained. I simply haven’t gotten around to it yet.)

Ok…so on to the funny.

Last night she went in her bedroom and pooped. Instead of coming and asking to be changed, she went into her brothers’ bedroom, removed her pants–and, you guessed it, the diaper. Little round turds were flung all over the floor of her brothers’ room!

The boys found that absolutely disgusting!

Michael and I just laughed.

One of my favorite things to do is to volunteer at my kids’ school. If parents are invited, I’m there!

I love being able to observe them in their school setting–learning, interacting with their friends and teachers. It’s just so much fun!

And they love having me come in. That hour, once a week, quietly reinforces to them that I am there, I care, I’m interested. (Sure there are other ways to reinforce that, so if you are not a parent that volunteers at school, don’t think I’m ragging on you, because I’m not.)

As they get older, the teachers start weaning us off of our children. By third or fourth grade, the kids start planning their own parties, we do things for the teacher, rather than work with the kids. By fifth grade, there really are no classroom volunteers. And by sixth grade, forget it! They don’t even have parties anymore. Instead the kids start taking on leadership roles in the school–at Halloween, for example, they host a carnival for the rest of the grades.

I remember walking down to visit my oldest (a sixth grader) at the end of the day on Halloween party day. He wasn’t there. He was in gym class. His stuff was all packed up for the day. I walked in, probably looking very lost, and spoke to the teacher for a moment. Then walked to his desk where his costume, backpack and coat were all gathered and waiting for him. I said (lamely, I’m sure), “I’ll just take his costume with me so he doesn’t have to deal with it on the bus.”

I recognized myself for what I really was in that moment: a parent desperately wanting to feel like her baby still needed her.

It’s good the teachers start weaning us in third grade. It takes a long time!

A few weeks ago, sixth grade parents were invited to come in and help during science class!

What?

You need me?

Absolutely!

I’ll be there!

What? What did you say we’d be doing? Dissecting. Cow. Hearts?

Um. Yeah. Great. You can count on me.

Today was the day! It was actually supposed to be on Valentine Party Day. Get it? Hearts…Valentine’s Day…but it was delayed due to snow days.

And so I went. It wasn’t as gross as I thought it would be. I think my son would say the opposite.

In fact, he had this to say–“It was disgusting, but a lot of fun! My favorite part was when we cut open the heart along the septum in the middle.

I also liked messing around cutting open different parts to see what’s inside. My least favorite part was pumping air through the artery. It was gross.

I was surprised at how much blood there was.

I’m not sure if I would ever want to do it again.”

He may not be sure if he’ll ever do it again, but I am! I have three more kids to get through the sixth grade, and by golly, if they need me, I’ll be there!

But there’s no way to cover every scenario. Some lessons will only be learned through mistakes and wrong choices made by the children.

Last Thursday, my nine year old son handed me a note from his teacher while I was on the phone. Why is it always when I’m on the phone? I set it aside. Annoyed that he was interrupting.

A little while later, I sat down to read the note. Here’s what it said:

“Dear Family,

Our class will be enjoying a Valentine’s Day Party on Friday, February 12….

As a special surprise, I am asking that you become your child’s Secret Valentine. Please write  a personal note to your child and send it in a sealed envelope back to school. You may have to put this envelope inside another envelope so your child’s curious little eyes don’t see it. I will present these letters to them while they are opening their other valentines from their classmates. Imagine the joy your child will feel when reading this secret valentine. Your loving words and encouragement go a long way. This will be a letter your child will treasure and keep for a long time…

Sincerely,

Mrs. Fisher ”

I looked at Noah.

“Did you read this?”

“Yes.”

“Was it in an envelope?”

“Yes.”

“How was it addressed?”

“To the parents of…”

“Was the envelope sealed?”

“Yes?”

I was absolutely furious! This is the kind of thing that I would love to do for my child, and that this child in particular would be thrilled about. But because of his “curious little eyes” the opportunity was lost. My first instinct was to punish him.

I did tell him he would not be getting a valentine from me because the surprise had been ruined. I also told him that if he breathed a word of it to any of his classmates he would be punished for the rest of the school year. (I don’t think that will be an issue as he has experience keeping big time secrets that have to do with Christmas, Easter and the loss of teeth, if you get my drift.)

While I was contemplating what his punishment for this offense would be, it became clear I didn’t need to punish him.

He feels terrible. He cried and he cried. He knows he can’t undo it. He’s. so. sorry.

No punishment I would dole out would make him feel any worse.

We haven’t spoken of it again. When the party comes on Friday, he’ll be sad as his teacher starts passing out the valentines from the parents.

Until she gets to the last one which will be for him, from me.

He learned his lesson. The hard way.

He’ll also learn, or be reminded, that no matter what mistakes he makes, I still love him.

He’ll be thrilled with his surprise.

And I’m quite certain he’ll never open my mail again.

I have four children. The oldest is 11 years, 5 months and 26 days old. My youngest is 2 1/2. For all but about six months of that 11 years, 5 months and 26 days, I’ve been changing diapers.

Even now, as I’m nearing what is likely the last few months of diaper duty for my youngest (and last) child, the hormones, dating, curfews, driving, car insurance rates and college tuitions for my first child are beginning to creep in slowly or loom in the not-too-distant future.

I’ve made it through the diapers. Lord, help me make it through the rest!

]]> http://mychaoticbliss.com/2010/02/05/diapers-are-my-life/feed/ 0 http://mychaoticbliss.com/2010/02/02/stolen-moments/ http://mychaoticbliss.com/2010/02/02/stolen-moments/#comments Wed, 03 Feb 2010 02:31:48 +0000 Amy http://mychaoticbliss.com/?p=556 Although I describe myself as a stay-at-home mom, I substitute teach once in awhile. Several blog posts could be written about those adventures, but we’ll save that for another day.

Today, I subbed in the classroom next to my third grade son’s room. Our lunch hours overlapped and we took the opportunity to have lunch together. We sat at a couple student desks in my classroom, eating and talking about our day so far.

Just the two of us. No distractions.

When we finished we went down to the office and bought some special candy bars that were on sale there. Then back to the classroom to share this little secret treat (secret because the rest of the family wasn’t going to get one, hee-hee).

When it was time for him to go back to class and for me to start teaching again, we hugged and wished each other a good afternoon.

What we talked about wasn’t earth-shattering. In fact, just a few short hours later, I remember very little of our conversation. But I think both of us will remember our stolen moment, when it was:

just the two of us.  No distractions,

for a long time.

Danny and Sandy may have made it famous in Grease, but it fits my husband and I so well.

After nearly 21 years together (oh my gosh, does that make me feel old) we’ve got a system. Especially when it comes to parenting.

There’s stuff I’m good at…potty training, birthday parties, picking out clothes that match…

There’s stuff he’s good at…installing car seats, cleaning up after them when they’re sick, teaching them how to swing a bat, …

We agree on discipline 99% of the time.

When one of us is about to strangle one or several of our children, the other is always. always. calm. There has never been one time when we both thought we would lose it.

When our world turned upside down 17 months, 1 week and 7 hours ago (but who’s counting) by him being laid off we began spending all day and all night together every day. He now works from home and I am a stay at home mom.

That kind of togetherness is usually reserved for retirement. A time in life when, if you’re lucky, you have some financial and other freedoms that allow you to get out and enjoy life together. It’s a different experience when you’re broke and still have four young children at home.

So how has all of this togetherness impacted us? You’ve heard the expression “familiarity breeds contempt?” I wouldn’t go that far. We still get along very well. We still love each other. We still have faith there are brighter days ahead.

But, a break would be nice. I don’t mean the kind of break Ross and Rachel took on Friends.

I just mean a little time away from each other.

We got that this week. Rather unexpectedly. He left yesterday at noon for Chicago and is on his way back now. I’m sure he enjoyed the drive–time for thinking, music, quiet, maybe prayer. I know I enjoyed yesterday! Our youngest went down for her nap just before he left and slept until after the other kids came home from school.

I had lunch, watched TV, listened to some music, played a couple video games, did some housework…for three hours yesterday it was all about ME ME ME ME ME!

Today was different. Well first, I overslept (hearing the alarm would be another thing he’s good at). But, I still managed to get three kids up and out the door in 15 minutes. They brushed their teeth and had breakfast. I’m not sure they put on clean underwear, though.

So they left. It was just Sarah and me. I was BORED BORED BORED! I played with Sarah, did some housework, watched Elmo in Grouchland…

I missed him!

So you’ve also heard, “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Yup!

Hurry home, honey!

We began reading to our children when they were just weeks old.

Once our oldest son was crawling, he would crawl to the bookshelf before he would crawl to the toys.

I remember our oldest daughter sitting on the floor with a book when she was 3. She started crying. When I asked her why, she said, “I don’t know what the words say.” Another time, I remember her looking at the title of the book and declaring the letters were all mixed up. (She had realized for the first time that they weren’t in ABC order like the song.)

Our youngest son, was a little harder to motivate. Once he got in school, he was expected to read books that challenged him. The trouble was, in order to challenge his reading ability, the content was too mature. He was in first grade. He still wanted pictures and large-print. Eventually, he found some books he loved and it was like flipping a switch.

Our youngest, now 2, amazed us months ago with her first sentence, “I’ll read!”

Our nightly routine includes family story time before bedtime.

If you can’t read, someone will read to you.

If you’re learning to read, you’ll read to someone.

If you are an established reader, you’ll read to yourself.

Occasionally, we’ll read a book together.

While many parents struggle to get their kids to read, we often have to tell them, “Put the book down and go outside.” or “No, you can’t read just one more page–it’s time for bed.” A fact we’re really not complaining about.

One of our fondest Christmas traditions is sitting in front of the tree on Christmas Eve reading The Night Before Christmas. I used to read it. Now, I mostly listen.

We have more than 1,000 books in our collection of children’s books–including little board books to classic novels and everything in between. So it seems fitting that we share our love of books with others. Thus, a new category begins on My Chaotic Bliss: “Books We Love.” Future posts will highlight some of our favorite authors and titles.

We hope you’ll find something here to share with your children and that you’ll suggest your favorites to us.